The Dilemma

Vince Vaughn (Swingers; How To Have a Career Playing the Same Personality Type) and Fatty Arbuckle (King of Queens; That film that wasn’t Observe and Report) play two average Joes living an average life as average technically minded auto-design engineers. Vince is getting ready to propose to his live-in average celebrity chef girlfriend, Jennifer Connelly (that scene in Labyrinth where they go ass to ass or something). Meanwhile Fatty is impossibly married to Winona Ryder (Heathers; grainy CCTV store footage). Everyone seems teeth gratingly happy.

However, all that changes when Vince’s overly hooded eyes are open long enough to see Winona cheating on Fatty in a garden centre. What’s he going to do? Well nothing as zany as what’s made out in the trailer, that’s for damn sure. No, no. Vinnie spends two long hours struggling to work out the best way to tell Fatty. How could it get any more complicated? Well, Winona, now aware of Vince seeing her snog Channing Tatum quite obviously in a really, really public and busy area of New York, threatens to tell Fatty that Vince slept with her in college behind his back. Sorry, did I forget to mention Vince is also a shit. Slipped my mind.

With that in mind, let’s give our sympathies to erstwhile Fatty then. Except… Well, he’s been having his little Arbuckle professionally buffed on a regular basis at a massage parlour down the road from his work, rather than make sweet chubby love to Winona.

So, Winona is cheating on Fatty because he’s been spilling his seed over the pumping fists of numerous Thai immigrants and Vince doesn’t want to say anything because he’ll have to admit to lying to his best friend for 20 years about spilling his seed into Winona. What about Jennifer? Well, she’s keeping secrets from Vince because she doesn’t want to move to Las Vegas because Vince is also a recovering gambling addict and she doesn’t trust him not to gamble when they get there.

Am I supposed to laugh at all this or has Ron Howard effectively performed a pastiche of Adam Sandler movies if they were directed by Ken Loach?

What happened here? Why is Queen Latifah playing a character more suited to Rob Schneider?

Why was the trailer edited to make Channing Tatum look like a dimwitted pawn in Winona’s little games when he’s actually a gigantic pissteethed little man who threatens to beat Vince Vaughn to death with a baseball bat after Ol’ Vinnie wages war against his face with an aerosol can and a lighter?

What the fuck does Hollywood have against tropical fish that they always end up dying whenever they’re put on screen?

What made someone give our male protagonists careers that are completely impenetrable to anyone outside of General Motors and Top Gear magazine?

Why did they reference an entire two minute speech from Miracle, a sport movie so obscure I had to look it up on Wikipedia?

Want answers, then watch Mr Nanny. The depressing inevitability of that monumental turd far surpasses the torrid hell hole that Richie Cunningham has committed to celluloid.

Now go away and stop asking questions.

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