F (2010)

Continuing on in the same ‘chav horror’ vein as Eden Lake, this Daily Mail sponsored horror film tells the story of an alcoholic teacher trying to defend his daughter and school from a pack of faceless hoodies. Their motive? One of them got an F in an English essay. Woooo! Someone got an F. It’s not really the same as being run over by some drunk teenagers and thrown into a lake is it?

For some unknown reason, these demonic hoodies of the south are skillful in the art of parkour. That’s the pointless sport of jumping, invented by people who couldn’t be arsed to learn to skateboard. Your average townie, whilst sinewy, could never perform the acts of athletic dexterity born witness to in this film. They leap from bookcase to ceiling whilst using chocolate milkshakes to write death threats in text talk i.e. U R DEAD. That’s when they’re not raping nubile PE teachers I should add.

None of the characters are particularly likeable. The hero himself is seen slapping his daughter around in the first half hour. Any thrills shown in the last 40 minutes are boiled down to suit the lowest common denominator. Lot’s of ‘OOOOH LOUD NOISE EQUALS SCARY’.

What irks me the most is that over the last ten years the horror genre has become nothing more than an excuse for cheap shocks and lacklustre scripts. Where are the 21st century equivalents of ‘The Thing’, ‘Dawn of the Dead’ or even ‘An American Werewolf in London’? With only The Tunnel coming to mind, it just seems that films like this just batter further nails into the coffin after abusing the corpse.

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