Early Bird Film Society Improves Hollywood: Eyes Wide Shut

Eyes Wide Shut is famous for two reasons.

It’s none of these things! Shut up New York Times!

One, it’s the final movie of maestro Stanley Kubrick, a director of such vision that had he lived longer he would have revolutionised the ‘gross out- comedy’. There aren’t many more like him nowadays. The closest for sheer tenacity could be Michael Winterbottom, who has been filming John Simm a couple of weeks every year since 2007 to ensure that his character ages properly in 2012’s Seven Days (This is true. Look it up).

The second reason why Eyes Wide Shut is famous is because like Mr and Mrs Smith and Bad Boy Bubby, it broke up a relationship. Okay, Bad Boy Bubby didn’t really break anyone up, but one half of EBFS confirms that he had a real big fight with his other half over it.

The secret third reason Eyes Wide Shut is famous is because it’s a fucking dud. A 1920’s tale of betrayal and sex reduced to Tom Cruise simpering around a soundstage which dressed up to look like New York whilst Nicole Kidman writhes around with a sailor. There’s a scene with naked chicks in masks and a long conversation at a pool table. That’s pretty much all there is.

Well, we hear you cry, I don’t see you with a catalogue of infamous and iconic movies!

You’re right, we don’t. However, we’re still alive, so that means we have one over Kubrik which, in turn, means we are more than within our rights to tell Hollywood how they can improve Eyes Wide Shut with a brand new Director’s Cut!

Firstly, director’s cuts need new scenes. Who knows what Kubrick had hidden away in his grandfather-like beard, but it doesn’t matter as we’ve already thought of the following:

  1. Tom wanders through Mordor with a short gay hairy man.
  2. Tom walks away from a car that’s on fire, before leaping at the precise moment it explodes. FREEZE FRAME! Scene is accompanied by the following dialogue: Well, looks like Doctor Tom is headed for a heap whole lot of trouble. I’m a’reckoning he’s just gonna have to hold on till those Hazzard Boys turn up.
  3. Tom walks out of a broad selection of high class, walk-in closets with mock surprise.
  4. Tom walks across the street to avoid a guy he knew in college. The guy’s shouting ‘Hey! Remember me, Tom!’ It’d be an awkward scene, but Tom just turns up Mr Blue Sky on his iPod and keeps on walking.
  5. Tom plummets off a cliff with a Nazi in a tank. Assorted members of Tom’s family and friends (sic) rush over to see the carnage, but wait! There’s Tom behind them! Tom wanders up and looks down the cliff to see what his buddies (sic) are staring at. This scene (brilliant in Indy 3) would literally improve every film ever made (except Indy 3, twice would be taking the piss).

Also, when you re-release it on blu-ray, create new and exciting blu-ray features – For example, press the red button and Tom walks around really fast whilst accompanied by the Benny Hill theme tune.

Finally, rebrand the film, maybe rename it Doctor Tom’s Long and Boring Sex Walk – If nothing else, least the viewer won’t think they’ve been cheated.

If you would like help us to improve Hollywood one bit at a time, then let us know what we can look at next by dropping us a tweet @earlybirdfilms.

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