Apollo 18 (2011)

Apollo 18 gives a unique spin on the officially cancelled Apollo 18 mission in 1973. In this AU turn of events, three of NASA’s finest are blasted off to the moon on a top secret mission to collect rocks. Same shit, different day for these veterans. That is until they stumble across the body of a cosmonaut laying at the bottom of a crater and then it all goes to Hell… Woooooo! Well, I think that’s what they were trying to do.

What tries to be Paranormal Activity in space, just comes across as Pigs in Space. At only 80 minutes this film shouldn’t drag by as slowly as it does. There is zero tension as the cliches stand on top of each other to create a pyramid of exhausting extraterrestrial poop.

Whilst it is true that not showing the threat straight can work in a horror film (Thank you Jaws), it only works if the threat is genuinely scary. The antagonists in this effort are as terrifying as Vince Vaughn in the remake of Psycho and, whilst this maybe a strange thing to say about a horror movie, they are completely unbelievable. Unless, of course, you find solid aggregates with legs believable and terrifying. In which case, you’re going to love this and, for that, I pity you.

The saddest part about this whole sorry affair is that Bert Ulrich, NASA’s liaison for multimedia, actually took the time and effort to release a statement pointing out Apollo 18‘s lack of authenticity saying that it should not be viewed as a documentary… Well, thanks for that Bert. Glad we got that covered.

Apollo 18 is no threat to anybody in the lost/found footage arena. Even the Asylum’s 8213 Gacy House made some attempt to be scary even if it was through the use of John Wayne Gacy’s ghost… And quite frankly, come the film’s dénouement, I was praying for a sodomising ghost.

Watch at your peril.

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