New Kids Nitro (2011)

When I tell you that one of the ‘hilarious’ outtakes in the end credits of New Kids Nitro is one of it’s stars, Huub Smit, openly urinating out of a window, you may already have an idea of the quality of this film.

We were pretty happy with New Kids Turbo, a film that had next to no publicity outside of it’s home country of Finland. Amusing and smutty in equal measure, we’re not ashamed to say we enjoyed it. The second film in the series Nitro got some extra publicity last year in various blogs, such as Arrow in the Head, for it’s zombie laden trailer. A word of warning to the zombie aficiandos out there. Whilst the zombies saturate the trailer, they make up about 20 minutes of the film’s 70 minute running time.

We described the first as being ‘viz brought to life’ and deserving of a wider audiernce. This time round, we’re embarrassed to say we were looking forward to watching this. Whilst the first was no cultural milestone, it was funny and, with it’s global recession storyline, was in some way reelvant. Here, we are treated to male members flopping around, semen being splashed everywhere and some extremely dubious ideas that suggest sexually assaulting women with pool cues is funny. Yeah, we know, sexual assault. Hilarious right? RIGHT!

At only 70 minutes long, it feels painfully long, with jokes either going on way too long or being repeated to the point of annoyance. We cannot overemphasise how miserable we felt after watching this utter waste of celluloid. We were so incensed with rage that the prospect of watching the extended cut of Green Lantern seemed like a fucking pleasure cruise.

We picked fights with numerous patrons without any desire to win We just hoped the constant beatings would erase the film from our memories. And yet, here we are trying to type something that successfully puts across our utter contempt for this film, which means we can still remember some of it and as such we’re going to have to go pick more fights straight after this.

The bonus for us is that along with El Superbeasto, any other gross out comedies we see after this will be hilarious in comparison. Oh look! It’s The Dictator.

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