With Daniel Day Lewis about to agonize and pontificate for 36 hours or so in Serious Spielberg’s serious film about serious things happening seriously in a grey, serious America, we have decided that we’re not ready to accept him as anything other than Daniel Plainview yet (We ignored Nine, carefully). So, here are our, unrushed, thoughtful, not amusing, and in no way just a hurried text conversation conducted between one bed in Manchester and a bar in Melbourne ideas for the further, or previous adventures of Mr. Daniel Plainview. You’re welcome Hollywood:
Screwball, campus comedy set in the prestigious Prospector University as young maverick (drunk) Danny Plainview attempts to mess up that crusty, old Dean (Al Gore) and his plan to educate California in renewable energy sources by discovering oil right there, under the stuffed shirt of a Dean’s house. Contains a scene where Plainview spies on the girl’s locker room and decides that it’s not his sort of thing.
Herzog’s untitled 66th project
Werner Herzog directs, remotely from a lair in Antartica, a sort of “midquel”, during the time jump period in the original There Will Be Blood. Daniel Day Lewis remains silent, eats steak and drinks bourbon very slowly whilst maintaining eye contact with the lens for three hours. In 3D. Guarenteed a Palm D’Or, a Golden Lion and Chris Tookey hating it so much he dies.
Weekend at Plainview’s
After the confusing, critic annoying end of There Will Be Blood, Daniel Plainview discovers he does need the Bandy Tract after all as his “milkshake analogy” was bullshit. Cue a hilarious weekend of carrying Eli’s body around to convince his congregation he can still deliver the fire and brimstone sermons he was so famous for. Contains unprecedented ventriloquism method acting from Day Lewis and a lot of regrets for Paul Dano.
It’s Plainview’s Fault
Down a new well, Plainview discovers a portal that catapults him into future America. After discovering a new site in the Gulf of Mexico, he unwittingly takes the fall for those bastards at British Petroleum and untold environmental damage we’ll be dealing with for centuries. Embracing the apologist culture of the new millennium, he appears on Oprah but ends up clubbing her to death with an oil covered, stiffened cormorant.
Plainview vs Roger Rabbit
Self explanatory. Covers two sequels that need to get made. Now.
A Convenient Truth
Remake, shot for shot of Al Gore’s An Inconvenient Truth except this time Daniel Plainview sits calmly next to Gore, with crossed legs, smoking a pipe, drinking bourbon and occasionally burping grumpily until Gore either wets himself or runs off.
Grizzled (drunk) private investigator Daniel Plainview tries to solve a series of murders he himself has perpetrated whilst out of his fucking mind on bourbon.
We’ve time stamped this and made copies so if any of them go into production we want fifty percent of the gross or a hug from Day Lewis in character and costume from The Last of the Mohicans. He will find us.