Baggage Claim (2013)

Baggage Claim is directed by David E. Talbert, produced by David E. Talbert, co-written by David E. Talbert and based on the novel, Baggage Claim by David E. Talbert. As such, it’s extremely easy to point fingers as who is to blame for this disaster of a romantic comedy that is neither romantic nor funny.

Paula Patton plays flight attendant Montana Moore, who is becoming exceedingly unhappy with her life. Maybe it’s the fantastic apartment she lives in. Maybe it’s her job. Maybe it’s her unnervingly squeaky voice. Maybe… just maybe, she needs a man to complete her. Sorry, we were being a bit misogynistic there. We were just playing around. Of course, she doesn’t want a man to complete her. Oh wait, no. Yeah, she does. She even says it. Several times. Even at the end when she gets her man whose surname is Wright. That drill sound you can hear is Emmeline Pankhurst spinning in her grave.

Worried that she’s’ probably going to throw herself under an ice cream van, or drown in her own tears, her friends set about using the most convoluted plan to help her meet someone. Digging through her phonebook, they crosscheck all the names of her exes against flight records and ensure that she always has a shift or a seat on that flight. As each date goes hilariously wrong (honestly, we ended up forgotting about death and everything), Montana always returns to her best friend, whose surname is Wright, for a shoulder to cry on. Wright, whose surname sounds like Right, bends over backwards for her, to the detriment of his relationship with his girlfriend. But don’t worry, she’s a cheating harpy, who is probably doing the nasty with other people because her boyfriend follows his high school crush around like a puppy dog.

Baggage Claim is awesomely offensive to anyone of any colour, gender, sex or creed. It’s the kind of shit –and we’re not using that term lightly- that should be burnt to the ground and salt thrown over the ashes so that nothing bad or good can ever grow there again. Avoid it like you would the plague.

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