Fright Night (2011)

Charley Brewster (Anton Yelchin) is your everyday teenager who has evolved far enough up the foodchain to be considered one of the ‘cool’ kids. He even has a ‘cool’ girlfriend in the form of Imogen Poots. All he had to do was ditch his previous nerdy lifestyle, including his best friend, ‘Evil’ Ed Lee (Christopher Mintz-Plasse). Life is pretty sweet. Except, Charley lives next to a vampire who looks suspiciously like Colin Farrell. And ‘Evil’ Ed has disappeared. Who can help him? Doctor Who, that’s who!

Yelchin and Mintz-Plasse are believable as two best friends recently fallen out. Mintz-Plasse plays to his strengths, even if they’re simply being McLovin’ with more swearing. It’s the thought of this reviewer that he would have been more suited to the role of Charley, but I think we’re  a long way from him being classed as a bankable heartthrob. Poots, despite having an awesome surname, has nothing to do but walk around asking for exposition.

What of the ‘grown-ups’? Well, as the big bad Farrell is solid as bloodsucker, Jerry Dandrige. Even if most of his emoting consists of looking over the bridge of his nose and speaking with a gravelly voice. Toni Collette is wasted in a role that adds little to the story except motivation for the protagonist in the third act.The main offender, however, is former timelord David Tennant. Adopting his best cockney accent, mostly consitsing of saying ‘fack’ instead of ‘fuck’, Tennant is completely unbelievable as Vegas magician and vampire hunter, Peter Vincent. The main problem being that he plays Vincent as Russell Brand, which would work if he actually was Russell Brand. If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, it shouldn’t be played by a pouting lovey.

Fright Night follows an unusual equation. For every genuine scare, there’s two lines of atrocious dialogue. ‘Did you pray to the god of ass!?’ cries one of Charley’s newly acquired cool friends, in a way that suggests that this dialogue could only be written by someone hasn’t been a teenager in 30-odd years. Everyone goes around ‘dude’-ing to point of Juno nausea.

Craig Gillepse is an unusual choice for director. Mr Woodcock and Lars and the Real Girl were hardly rollercoaster rides of photography, were they? However, he handles the action set-pieces well even if they are marred by unnecessary 3D. Though why it has to be so dark… Okay, this is a film set mostly at night, but, by Christ, could there not have been at least one street light on.

Fright Night is not a bad film, but it’s no corker. I’m going to give 6 out 10. However, we don’t do scores on this site, so I won’t.

Early Bird Film Society Improves Hollywood: Eyes Wide Shut

Eyes Wide Shut is famous for two reasons.

It’s none of these things! Shut up New York Times!

One, it’s the final movie of maestro Stanley Kubrick, a director of such vision that had he lived longer he would have revolutionised the ‘gross out- comedy’. There aren’t many more like him nowadays. The closest for sheer tenacity could be Michael Winterbottom, who has been filming John Simm a couple of weeks every year since 2007 to ensure that his character ages properly in 2012’s Seven Days (This is true. Look it up).

The second reason why Eyes Wide Shut is famous is because like Mr and Mrs Smith and Bad Boy Bubby, it broke up a relationship. Okay, Bad Boy Bubby didn’t really break anyone up, but one half of EBFS confirms that he had a real big fight with his other half over it.

The secret third reason Eyes Wide Shut is famous is because it’s a fucking dud. A 1920’s tale of betrayal and sex reduced to Tom Cruise simpering around a soundstage which dressed up to look like New York whilst Nicole Kidman writhes around with a sailor. There’s a scene with naked chicks in masks and a long conversation at a pool table. That’s pretty much all there is.

Well, we hear you cry, I don’t see you with a catalogue of infamous and iconic movies!

You’re right, we don’t. However, we’re still alive, so that means we have one over Kubrik which, in turn, means we are more than within our rights to tell Hollywood how they can improve Eyes Wide Shut with a brand new Director’s Cut!

Firstly, director’s cuts need new scenes. Who knows what Kubrick had hidden away in his grandfather-like beard, but it doesn’t matter as we’ve already thought of the following:

1. Tom wanders through Mordor with a short gay hairy man.
2. Tom walks away from a car that’s on fire, before leaping at the precise moment it explodes. FREEZE FRAME! Scene is accompanied by the following dialogue: Well, looks like Doctor Tom is headed for a heap whole lot of trouble. I’m a’reckoning he’s just gonna have to hold on till those Hazzard Boys turn up.
3. Tom walks out of a broad selection of high class, walk-in closets with mock surprise.
4. Tom walks across the street to avoid a guy he knew in college. The guy’s shouting ‘Hey! Remember me, Tom!’ It’d be an awkward scene, but Tom just turns up Mr Blue Sky on his iPod and keeps on walking.
5. Tom plummets off a cliff with a Nazi in a tank. Assorted members of Tom’s family and friends (sic) rush over to see the carnage, but wait! There’s Tom behind them! Tom wanders up and looks down the cliff to see what his buddies (sic) are staring at. This scene (brilliant in Indy 3) would literally improve every film ever made (except Indy 3, twice would be taking the piss).

Also, when you re-release it on blu-ray, create new and exciting blu-ray features – For example, press the red button and Tom walks around really fast whilst accompanied by the Benny Hill theme tune.

Finally, rebrand the film, maybe rename it Doctor Tom’s Long and Boring Sex Walk – If nothing else, least the viewer won’t think they’ve been cheated.

If you would like help us to improve Hollywood one bit at a time, then let us know what we can look at next by dropping us a tweet @earlybirdfilms.